Love Will Tear Us Apart
by Introuvable
Summary: This story follows two boys, Clay Jensen and Tony Padilla, as their feelings are growing stronger. *TRIGGER WARNING : depression, panic attack*
1. I Remember Nothing

Clay's point of view.

Hannah.

There she is, stuffing a chemistry book into her locker. Hannah has this thing: she looks like, sounds like and is like nobody else. Hannah Baker is just Hannah Baker, I'm thinking, as I automatically start heading towards her. Today is a sunny day. Instead of going home right away, I could probably ask her if she wants to hang out a little bit, or…

Suddenly, I can hear laughter around me. Somebody hells : « Slut! , » as they are looking at where Hannah is standing. I wonder why, still determined to join her. A girl points at Hannah, and another throws a paper ball at her.

Why would they do that?

As I'm about to react, I see that Hannah is starting to move; in a second, she runs away. « Hannah… wait, » I say, but she doesn't seem to hear me. I try catching up to her, but it feels like I'm not moving. I call her again : « Hannah! , » louder this time. Some guy wearing a blue jacket from our school tells me to let her go. No, not way!I can't let Hannah down, I have to be there for her.

 **« Why weren't you there for me when I killed myself, then? »** I'm stunned. Now it's just Hannah and I, in a room. That one room, in Jessica's house. The one where I… **« The room where you left me to die ,»** annonces Hannah, calmly. No sound comes out of my mouth, but I want to answer. Tears start feeling my eyes. I want to tell her that I didn't mean to, that I always loved her. Hannah begins to breathe heavily. **« That wasn't enough, »** she tells me, gritting her teeth together. I feel my heart dropping into my chest. As I lower my eyes, I see it : her bleeding wrists. Blood, pouring everywhere. I try getting up but my body doesn't react. Why is this happening? Why didn't I stop her? Excruciated with pain, Hannah cries : **« It's all your fault, Clay! »**

Clay Jensen woke up and immediately felt the need to throw up. The boy was sitting on his bed, trying to restrain himself, still in a deep confusion. His t-shirt was dripping with sweat, the room felt too warm for him.

What was this all about? Hannah had been haunting his days and now she was taking over his sleep? He fucking knew! He knew he was responsible, he thought about it all the time, feeling more guilty each and every day. Now, he felt like yelling, screaming all the wrath out of him. He needed to get out, far from this hostile room.

Clay had thrown on the first clothes he found and run out the door. For a while he had ridden his bike, determined to join Hannah. Clay had this habit : from time to time, when everything felt wrong, he went to the cemetery. However, it was usually after school, not at 3 o'clock in the morning. As he grabbed his bicycle, rain started pouring. Not that he cared; it actually cooled him down. The night's cold wind seemed to soothe him, and for an instant, he felt nothing at all.


	2. (S)he's Lost Control

As he looked down on the grave, Hannah's grave, Clay felt everything again. Pain, guilt, desolation. To some people, feelings are essential. But to Clay, they had been a burden those days, an anchor attached to his feet. He often found himself drowning in his thoughts, not knowing what people around him were discussing. People, things; that didn't matter to him. They were a wave off futility he had to go through, another thing that he wanted to let go of. If only he could get rid of what was in his head…

« Hannah Baker, » he read on the grave, freshly installed. Sitting on it was a little marble plate, where was written : « To our beloved daughter.» That's right; of all the people, Hannah's parents must have suffered the most. Then, there was a Teddy bear that was holding crimson plastic roses; someone like Courtney most have put it there, someone that didn't truly care. It was getting all saggy, as the rain became more intense. Actually, there was a pile of flowers, decorations, and framed pictures, all getting messed up by the terrible weather. Symbol of hypocrisy, they were getting faded. All those shabby offerings people left, hoping to be forgiven, angered Clay. Did they think that everything was going to go away, just like that? That everything they had said could disappear if they brought a flower? As time was passing, people were forgetting about Hannah more and more. But Clay wasn't.

All this was so stupid. Out of anger, Clay punched the first thing on his way; an innocent tree, planted a few meters away from Hannah's grave. He screamed, half for the pain and the rest for how he felt. Repeatedly he hit it, harder and harder, not caring about his knuckles and his pain. But the gigantic oak didn't move, of course. After a while, Clay realized how pointless that was. He was still guilty and nothing would change. He looked at the tree, wheezing as he felt more and more tired. Clay left himself fall against the rough trunk. He thought again about that night. He thought about communication class. Also about when Hannah came to give back her working uniform. And that other time.

Deep down he knew - he must have known - that Hannah was going to end her life. He had a thousand occasions to save her, but he didn't take any.

Breathing started to get harder, he realized, as his hand guided itself to his mouth, trying to filter the air coming in. It had to be another panic attack, he thought. Clay had had a few in his life, but never outside of his room, far from his medicine. Right now, he was all by himself, under the freezing rain. That thought rushed into his head, like many were. He was hyperventilating, curling up upon himself.

It was getting painful too; his leg felt incredible sore. As he tried to stretch it, Clay realized his whole body was tensed up and moving it made it worst. He felt scared for a second; and that was enough for his breath to go wild, to become shorter and shorter.


	3. Shadowplay

Tony's point of view.

Tony Padilla woke up suddenly, as his phone beeped. He could see through the window that it was still dark outside. Raindrops were banging on the house's gutter, as wasn't that good of a sleeper, and he knew that waking up in the middle of the night meant he probably wouldn't sleep at all.

Mechanically, he grabbed his phone, and the first thing he saw was the time : 4 am. Then, he looked at the notification that deprived him of sleep.

 _ **2 missed calls from Clay.**_

 _ **3 messages:**_

 **« need help tony »**

 **« i cant breathe »**

 **« graveyard »**

Tony didn't think twice and got up in a rush.

Once in the car, he anxiously wondered : What was happening? Clay, one of the people he cared the most about was asking for help, at the weirdest time. The message mentioned the graveyard, so that's where Tony was headed. The rain was making those obnoxious pattering noises, and accelerating was becoming more difficult as the water rolled on the windshield. He tried calling back Clay many times, but hearing the beeping noise followed by his friend's voicemail was nerve wracking. **« I can't breathe , »** he reminded himself. What if Clay had tried killing himself too? It might be too late, since the messages were sent 20 minutes ago. Tony would never forgive himself for that, he thought as he pushed the pedal harder.

The cemetery's gates were open, even though they weren't supposed to be. Laying against the left side, Tony noticed a bike. He was in the right place. He hastened into the rain, slamming shut the car's door behind him.

From the time he had reached Hannah's grave, Tony was soaked. All you could hear was the rain falling, and Clay was nowhere to be found. Where the fuck was Clay?

 _I can't let myself freak out_ , he told himself. After all, if his bike was still there, the guy couldn't be too far.

The rational thing to do was to look for Clay.

 **« Clay, »** he shouted. **« Clay, where are you?»** Several times he called again, running around searching for his friend. His voice echoed without being answered, when something caught his attention.

Laying against the big oak that had been in front of his eyes this whole time was Clay, curled up in a ball. He seemed unwell, covered in ground dirt that had now become mud. Tony hurried to his friend.

Clay was alive and this was enough for Tony to feel the weight he had accumulated lifted off his shoulders. As he l leaned above Clay, Tony noticed the unstable breathing. « **I'm here, Clay. Everything's gonna be okay, now. »** Clay didn't seem to react, and his head was still buried into his knees.

Tony knew what he had to do : first, he would calm Clay, making sure he was alright. Then, he would take him to the car. He knew he had to do all this pretty quickly, since Clay had been under the frigid rain for so long. **« Clay, it's me, Tony. We have to get away from here, »** he added softly. As he was taking off his jacket and putting it over his friend's shoulders, Tony grabbed Clay's hand. It just felt like the right thing to do to let Clay know that he was here.


End file.
